


Wrestling the Angels and the Devils in my Head

by MorganEilish



Series: To Find I'm Not Alone [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: But mostly angst, Cuddling, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Naked Cuddling, Some Fluff, a bit of an existential crisis, kind of, more forehead kisses, poor obi wan is not doing ok, space farming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 19:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9339776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganEilish/pseuds/MorganEilish
Summary: He'd been raised to believe all is as the Force wills it. He wasn't sure he still did. He had to question if the Force really willed the destruction of her servants or the desecration of her temples. But he was content to apply the same principle to whatever became of his friendship with Padme.The sequel to To Find I'm Not Alone. Padme, Obi Wan, and the twins are settled on Ahch-To. She is doing much better but Obi Wan is going through a bit of a breakdown.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Can't Get it Right](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhMVnSHJ9ws) from Nashville.

It's not that he was waiting for her to notice him. He wasn't looking for anything from her. His feelings for her were strong enough to get him into trouble with the Council but all he wanted was for her to be happy, or at least okay. 

He'd been raised to believe all is as the Force wills it. He wasn't sure he still did. He had to question if the Force really willed the destruction of her servants or the desecration of her temples. But he was content to apply the same principle to whatever became of his friendship with Padme.

The Council would have separated them; taken her somewhere they thought would be safe and sent him to the front lines. They both would’ve died. But the Council was gone. He carried their loss with him. He could feel the emptiness, the cold shift in the Force, even this far out.

When he felt the call to Ahch-To it was like a spark of hope. He thought maybe he wouldn't be alone in the Force. Maybe there were still Jedi left. Someone who could help him keep Anakin’s children from following in their father’s footsteps. He hid his disappointment from Padme when they found it deserted and derelict.

He tried sleeping in his own hut that night but he couldn't escape the loneliness. The Force was a heavy weight to carry alone. He crept into hers to sleep on the floor near the twins. They were still too young for him to feel from further away but up close they practically glowed with their power. He'd been both terrified and ecstatic when he noticed it back in their first hut.

He was hesitant to accept when Padme moved over and told him to get into bed with her. She was right, his back would feel awful in the morning if he slept in the rocky ground, but ship bunks were not built for two people. He didn't want to be pushy or improper. He gave in though. He was exhausted and lonely and she wouldn't have taken no for an answer anyways - at least that's what he told himself.

He woke up tangled up in her arms. He didn't move right away, afraid he'd scare her off. But when he felt what she was thinking about, the wave of comfort and arousal rolling off her, he blinked his eyes open in surprise. Not a moment later though her feelings were replaced with embarrassment and shame.

He didn't want that so he did what he always did when he was trying to comfort her: he offered his hand. When she took it, he pulled her back into his arms, pressing a kiss to her forehead and held her. If she wanted more than that, he'd gladly give it to her.

She didn't make any moves to indicate she did, though he could feel the less than innocent thoughts that passed through her mind. He wasn’t sure if she wanted to act on them or not and wouldn't do anything without her verbal consent. But he was content to just hold her. He ran his hand slowly up and down her spine, careful to avoid her neck and tuned himself in to her breathing.

They lay in silence, melted into each other’s arms until the twins started fussing. He brushed a thumb over her cheekbone and kissed her forehead again before letting her go so they could take care of Luke and Leia.

\---

It didn't take long for them to get a routine going. They set up nets to catch fish by the shore and planted a garden of easy to grow crops at the summit near the temple ruins. They had enough rations to last them a couple years if it took several attempts for their crops to grow.

He took the twins to the top of the mountain almost every day. They weren't old enough to learn to meditate and he knew he had to discuss with Padme whether or not she was okay with him training them. As much as he thought of them as his children too, he wasn't under the illusion that he had any say over their future. It helped him though, feeling their sparks when he meditated.

Padme usually joined them. She’d sit on the grass with the twins in her lap and tell them stories about warrior princesses and brave knights. He recognized some of their adventures in some of those stories. Sometimes she let the kids explore the ruins while she sat back and watched to make sure they weren't in any trouble.

His mattress was moved into Padme’s hut. They joined it to hers so they could be less crowded, but in the night they still gravitated towards each other. He could no longer remember the last time he woke up without her in his arms and he was more than okay with that.

She looked better. Ahch-To suited her. He could see the lines of tension that had settled around her eyes softening. She became less subdued and more lively with each passing day. He attributed that to the complete isolation of the planet. She’d seemed comfortable aboard their ship, but even then they still had to dock at stations and outposts to make deliveries and pick up supplies and there was always a risk someone might recognize one of them.

She swapped out her plain trousers for colourful ankle length skirts that she’d tie up around her thighs when she was chasing the twins barefoot along the shore. Her hair was still worn swept up off her neck into her braided crown but she left it uncovered most of the time, only wrapping it in her scarf when they worked in the gardens.

\---

Luke and Leia were talking now. They discussed what the twins should call him one morning, snuggled against each other before they woke up. He was more their father than Anakin was, though they weren’t his kids. They both knew that, but neither voiced it. And neither of them felt it’d be right for the children to refer to him as such. They settled for Uncle Obi Wan which the twins shortened to “Unkabi” until they were able to pronounce it properly.

They were growing quickly, and if he thought it was hard to keep up with Luke when he learned to crawl, it was nothing compared to Luke learning to run. Leia would chase after him to try to catch him for them but that usually made him run faster and then they had to chase down both of them. It did make finding him much easier though. Leia would follow him wherever he went and he or Padme could just follow the sound of their arguing.

Padme preferred them to stay close. She taught them how to tend to the gardens and check the traps for fish early on. They each had their own little section of garden to tend to. Leia’s plot didn’t have anything growing in it. Every time something sprouted, she thought it was a weed and pulled it. Luke’s was growing an impressively large weed. They were fairly certain whatever it was that he was growing was not edible, but it didn’t appear to be toxic to handle, so they left him to it. He was very proud.

\---

His nightmares didn't get better. He knew hers were starting to. She would probably be able to sleep through the night if she wasn't regularly pulling him from dreams of dead younglings and empty temples.

She asked him if he wanted to talk about it every time, but he didn't want to hurt her. She didn't know about the younglings and he worried telling her would pull her back into the dark again.

Some nights he'd let her pull him into her arms and coax him back to sleep like she did when one of the children had a bad dream. She’d run her fingers through his hair and softly sing Nabooian lullabies, rocking him gently. Some nights he went outside and tried to meditate and she’d send the children for him when breakfast was ready. Some nights he got up and took his lightsaber from its hiding place up to the top of the mountain and ran through fighting patterns until he was too tired to stand.

On those nights she'd come up just before sunrise, loop his arm over her shoulder and half carry him back down the steps to their hut. She never said anything, just tucked him into bed and held him until the twins woke up.

\---

“Can you show me how to do that?” he asked her one night as she was re-braiding her damp hair into her crown.

He already knew how to make simple braids. He learned as a padawan. But her crown was a little more elaborate than he was capable of and while he'd watched her weave it up countless times, he still hadn't quite figured out how she did it, especially since they didn't have a mirror.

She gave him a quizzical look and he pointed out that he’d like to be able to help her with Leia. It wasn’t his only reason for asking, mostly he was just curious, but it was a good one.

He settled on his knees behind her when she agreed and let her explain it to him while he combed the tangles out. It took him a few attempts to figure out the pattern. She helped him start it off above her left ear and he managed to continue it across the top of her head, adding strands as he went like she showed him.

He warned her when he was getting close to the back of her neck, though he knew she was aware. She tensed a little and he placed a hand on her shoulder and asked if she wanted him to stop. She shook her head and he continued, feeling her trying to force her muscles to relax.

He would’ve used the Force to help soothe her like he usually did but that morning had been one of the ones she had to come carry him down the mountain after he collapsed with his lightsaber. He was still feeling drained from it.

His finished work wasn't as tidy as when she did it and probably wouldn't last quite as long.

“You can try again tomorrow then,” she said when he told her that and curled herself up with her head in his lap.

He tensed for a moment, afraid if he moved, she’d pull away. When she made no indication that she was planning on going anywhere, he gently lowered his hand to her hip. He began absently tracing the pattern on her skirt with his thumb, not really sure what to do.

It’s not that he wasn’t used to cuddling with her. They’d woken up wrapped around each other every morning for months. She tried to hold him every time he woke up screaming and they’d pretty much given up the pretense of sleeping on separate sides of the bed.

But this felt different somehow, like they’d been dancing around it for a while, and were finally slowing to a stop. He shifted, wanting to lie down beside her but not wanting to disturb her. He wasn’t sure if she was awake anymore. The only thing she was projecting was calm.

“Talk to me,” she said softly when he shifted again.

“What about?” he asked.

She slowly rolled herself up so she was sitting and gave him a pointed look. He knew what she wanted him to talk about. This wasn’t the first time she pressed him about the nightmares or his emotional state.

He tried telling her once that Jedi were supposed to be in control of their emotions. That didn’t go over very well. She’d pointed out that suppressing them was not the same as being in control, saying that until he dealt with them, they’d keep coming back.

He didn’t really know how to deal with them though. That was part of the problem. She knew he felt responsible for Anakin’s actions. He hadn’t told her this. She just knew. She’d tried to convince him that he wasn’t several times, not that that did anything.

He was the one that convinced Yoda to let him train Anakin. He was responsible for him. Anakin was still his Padawan when he turned to the dark side. He hadn’t been able to stop him from killing the younglings or harming Padme and he knew nothing he did could even begin to rectify that.

He wished he could talk to Yoda about it. He would understand how Obi Wan felt having gone through something similar with Dooku. But Yoda disappeared and Obi Wan didn’t know if he was still alive. He didn’t think anyone was still alive.

“Obi Wan, talk to me,” she said again.

He felt a familiar burning behind his nose and his vision went blurry. He blinked quickly, hoping that would clear up the tears before they had a chance to fall. He couldn’t do this in front of her. She’d been through just as much as him, if not more. She didn’t need to deal with him falling apart on her. It was his job to hold things together for her. He bowed his head, trying to get himself under control; trying to will himself to be okay. He couldn’t.

She reached up and cupped his cheek, gently turning his head back up to face her and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Her thumb brushed the tears out from under his eyes and she drew him down so he was curled into her lap, his face pressed into her stomach, tears soaking her blouse.

Her hand brushed gently through his hair while he shook, unable to stop crying now that he started. She held him through it, softly telling him it was okay and rubbing her hands up and down his spine and through his hair. His hands fisted in the loose folds of her skirt, holding on to her like she was the only thing keeping him from drowning. He supposed that might actually be true. If not for her and the children he probably would’ve fallen apart a long time ago.

When he ran out of tears to cry, he took a few shuddering breaths and looked up at her with burning eyes. His cheeks felt stiff with dried tears. He unclenched a hand from her skirt and roughly scrubbed at his face, blinking his eyes.

She was still murmuring softly to him, telling him he was safe, that it wasn’t his fault, that she was here for him.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said.

He hadn’t wanted her to see that. He wasn’t her responsibility and didn’t want her to feel like she had to take care of him. But she smiled at him sadly and told him it was okay and that she did still want him to talk to her about what was bothering him.

He nodded, moving to get up. She didn’t let go of him though, her hands still carding through his hair and rubbing his back. He relaxed back into her, feeling somehow more drained than he had that morning.

“Talk to me,” she said.

He sighed and found himself telling her everything: the younglings, the disappointment he felt in finding Ahch-To abandoned, the way he was questioning everything he’d been taught about the Force, and his fear for her children. She listened to him, and brushed the fresh tears from his eyes when they fell.

When he finished, she wrapped her arms tightly around him, bending to hold him closer. She pressed a kiss into his hair and told him that it was okay and she was there for him, the same way he’d been there for her over the last few years. She said the twins were still young and he had time still to heal himself before he started thinking about training them. He didn’t point out that he hadn’t been much older than they were when he was sent to the temple for training.

“We should get some sleep,” he said instead. “It’s late.”

She nodded and this time when he moved to sit up, she let him. They both got up, undressed to their underthings, and folded their clothes up neatly. He climbed back onto their bed and pulled her down with him before she slipped into her nightgown. He curled himself around her back and held her tightly against him, one arm resting under her head and the other curled around her waist. He wanted to feel like even though he’d spent the last couple of hours crying into her shirt, he was still strong enough to protect her. If he’d voiced that thought though, she would’ve told him that crying wasn’t a display of weakness. She was probably right.

She snuggled in closer to him and he pulled the blankets over them both. Her arm draped over his and she let out a soft sigh. He fell asleep with her tucked under his chin and for the first time in a long time he slept peacefully.

**Author's Note:**

> Join me on [tumblr](http://morganeilish.tumblr.com/) to flail about how much we love these idiots.


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